The past two days, I've been re-reading my journal, starting the summer before I met Todd. I was consistently writing a couple pages a week, so I've got a pretty good record. I've read through our entire courtship and the first few months of our marriage, and will start tomorrow with my first entry after we moved to California.
I thanked Heavenly Father in my prayers tonight for what I'm about to write, then turned out the light and tried to go to sleep. Immediately, I felt impressed to get up and share it on my blog. I'm happy to do so.
In February of 2004, Todd and I had decided to pray about getting married. When we did, we each got the impression that we should keep thinking about it. So I'd been pondering it for a few weeks, praying, making Todd pro/con lists, analyzing the future the best I could. My biggest worry was Todd's military involvement. The idea of a deployed husband freaked me out. I did not like that piece of the Todd/Angie Future puzzle.
Thursday, February 26, 2004 I recorded in my journal:
"Last night Todd and I went to the movie theater... On the drive home, I watched Todd as he drove and thought about what it might be like to be with him our whole lives, to grow old with him.
"Then suddenly and strongly, I had this whooshing, warm, clear feeling all through my chest that I can marry him, and everything will be alright. Todd is good, he will take care of me, and if he has to go to war everything will be okay. These thoughts and feelings were very definitely not my own. They were from the Holy Ghost. I know they were. I needed a confirmation like that, because sometimes I can't tell if I'm receiving inspiration or having my own thoughts. This was very clearly not my own thoughts. When I prayed last night, I thanked Heavenly Father, and I was worried I would feel differently when I talked to Him about it, but I didn't. That was a confirmation of the trueness of the event. (!)"
I have held on to the anchor of that revelation countless times. It was my rock for the next seven months until Todd finally dared propose to me. It's given me peace over the past eight and a half years of our marriage that I made a good match. It's taken fear away from my heart during both of Todd's deployments.
Beyond that, it speaks volumes to me about God. He heard my prayers and answered them. Not while I was on my knees, but after weeks of sincere pondering. He made sure that answer was crystal clear and undeniably a message from heaven and not my own thoughts and wishes. He understood my worries. He gave comfort that has lasted nearly a decade so far. He didn't take away my agency. He didn't proclaim, "Todd's The One!" but instead spoke to my concerns and gave me peace about them, then let me choose Todd myself, trusting he was a sound choice.
I am grateful for personal revelation, and I am thankful I am a journal writer.
