Yesterday a friend announced happily to me that her two older children (6 and 4) are getting better at playing by themselves. The older one came home from school and the two of them played together until dinnertime without asking their mom for anything. I was in awe. Envious, very much so. I can't even fathom two or three hours passing without my kids needing me for something. Imagine all the stuff I could get done in two uninterrupted hours!
But what started out as envy, jealousy and disbelief didn't take long to meld into fear, worry, and an anxious feeling of the sands of time slipping through my fingers. I remember when her six-year-old was a newborn. It was not that long ago. Hazel's already three. We're halfway there. Those years are going to pass in a flash.
And that lack of neediness, that independence, comes with a price called Loss of Control. The less the kids need me, the less I influence them, the less power I have over their experiences and how they interpret them. By the time Hazel is six, she'll be in school half the day, she'll be learning from friends and teachers and other kids' parents and that's so exciting, but it also means she's getting a lot of input that I didn't generate. That's kind of scary to me.
It just really hit me hard that my window of time to be THE influence on my kids, to be the ultimate source of all knowledge, is rather small. Right now my midgets are just darling little sponges, soaking up everything I can give them, but the clock is ticking, and before I know it, they'll be soaking things up from all over the place. I'm feeling a new pressure to use every day wisely, carefully investing in the few short years I have to be IT for Hazel, and just a few more for Jack, before they're off in the world and I just have to trust that I've taught them enough that they'll understand who they are and what they are capable of, that they can recognize Truth when they hear it. Just a few years more to firm up that foundation of trust so Hazel knows I'm always there for her and she never needs to feel like she can't talk to me about everything.
How do you prepare for that?
2 comments:
Love your perspectives on motherhood and your testimony. I feel very much the same. It came to me the other day when I was thinking about how big Molly was getting that I have my family forever...yes...but I will only have my little child now. When I have her in heaven, she will be an adult child. I must enjoy these little times.
Angie, I know just how you feel! This is the exact reason I didn't send Macey to preschool this year. I just couldn't handle that this was my last year that I could have her all to myself before she starts school.
Thank goodness for half day kindergarten to ease me into the transition!
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